Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
