i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
