Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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