she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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