I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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