You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
