i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
