Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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