I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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