She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
this is an emotional support booty call
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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