you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
