I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
