put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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