I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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