The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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