You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My life is pants optional.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
