I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
