She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
