wakey wakey hands off snakey
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
