I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
