if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
