So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
this boner is exhausting
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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