I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
