I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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