My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Dicks are not precious.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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