she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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