did you get engaged???
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
