Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
