Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
