Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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