community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
