first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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