I wish my penis had an off switch
We need to rekindle our bromance
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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