Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize