hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
