Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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