Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
