he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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