My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
