she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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