I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
