Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
