I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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