he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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