I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
