This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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