Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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