I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I need to align my fucking chakras
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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