im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
