he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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