my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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