Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
