NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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