i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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