So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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