Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
