is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
