Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
