I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize