The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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