remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
