Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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